Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize