Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
