he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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