On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
