Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
