Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Randomize
