3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize