he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
