You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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