Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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