This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
