That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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