If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize