her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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