When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
