I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
This toilet bowl is my home.
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