No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
