I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
