While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
