rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
