"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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