I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
