you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I had to cum in my sink.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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