you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
