apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
