I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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