I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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