Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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