i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
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