I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
