Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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