I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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