I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
