What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
