I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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