I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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