I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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