i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
