I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
