My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
