Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
