I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize