You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
