The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
