I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
