apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize