you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
