Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I wish there were birth control emojis
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Pants are for mortals
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize