drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
