john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
