after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
