Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
