that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
