I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
