i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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