i think my tv is drunk
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
