Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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