My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
