4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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