I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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