Swine flu is the new snow day.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
