I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Randomize
